Could it be true? Historians might claim some runners up, but we have also never been more connected to each other’s experiences and lives than in 2020. So much has happened this year. I still can’t believe that it was only months ago during quarantine that we were debating whether or not Carole Baskin killed her husband (I’m still unsure myself). In a month, it will be one year since my sabbatical began and that seems to have passed too quickly. My boss told me that even though a sabbatical is six months long, the process feels more like a year because you learn so much in the six months after. So my sabbatical experience has also included a global pandemic, who knew?

It seemed that as the calendar turned to 2020, people knew pretty quickly that we were already in for a wild ride. I was worried with Australia on fire and sad when Kobe and his daughter died. I feel so naive that I thought COVID-19 wouldn’t reach the US. And naive to think that a pandemic during an election year wouldn’t also stir up major racial and political unrest. We’ve had so many layers of stress.

Collectively, we’ve pressed in, put up our best fights, learned new things, made transitions whether we were forced to or not, and took everything as it came. We experienced a myriad of losses, too many deaths, and tragedy after tragedy. And so much fighting. 2020 feels like the year of bad news.

Although it wasn’t without stress and heartbreak for me, I want to share what good I think came of this year.

In February, as I drove around Denver, I listened to John-Mark Comer’s sermon series called “The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry.” It’s also a book. He talks about how vital rest is, and how important as a people it will be to slow down and become committed to times of pause. As I listened to him share from his experience and research, I felt the Holy Spirit stir in my heart. I knew that Comer was right. We are such a fast-paced society at large. We value hustle and hard work over personal care and rest. We say yes to everything rather than making wise and deliberate decisions about how saying no could be better for us. We are more inundated by stress and anxiety than ever before. Depression and suicide rates are climbing.

Hearing his words, I knew that my future discipleship and leadership of others would have to require the spiritual discipline of rest. Or else we wouldn’t last. We wouldn’t thrive. I knew in my soul that a prophetic call to rest was coming. I knew we would have to bring all of our hustle to a halt or else it would halt us.

And then the pandemic hit. The hustle brought to a halt.

This was my first heartbreak of 2020- my dream sabbatical in Denver, cut short. Packing up in one afternoon and driving all the way home to Tucson in one day, off of 2 hours of sleep. Something about that level of loss and acceptance in such a short amount of time really bolstered me for the rest to come. I wasn’t going to be going on 10 in-person dates in Denver or becoming a climber like I had wanted. I wasn’t going to be able to forge deep relationships with new friends or spend quality time with the old ones. 2020 was not the year for my social life- romantic or otherwise.

2020 has been the year of re-dreaming. Although so many of my plans changed, I got to reevaluate and reconsider what I needed and wanted. I had plans to get out of debt. That became a plan instead to financially survive 2020 and not go into further debt because of the home repairs that met me head-on during quarantine. I’m really quick on my feet. I’m an ideas gal, and I love to rethink, problem solve, and add a little bit of faith to tricky situations. So I took this year month by month.

I was so blessed to go back to Denver at the beginning of June and I had my dream summer. I’m not kidding when I say I’m still gloriously haunted by my memories made in Denver. I think about it everyday. It was a gorgeous, wonderful, contemplative time. I might need to move there permanently. It was lovely in so many ways. I did therapy every week. I went on many walks. I made delicious vegan meals. I explored and danced and exercised. I went to work. I wore my mask so much. I lost a lot of weight (and consequently a lot of hair).

So crazy. But really, I got healthier on so many levels. Being able to do exactly what I described above- rest from the busyness of my normal 3+ jobs life was just what my body, mind, and heart needed. Another great thing God taught me more of this year was how to recognize my true self, my essential self. I’ve had a hard time showing up as real Bridget in times of busyness and stress because it somehow felt easier to be the Bridget I thought everyone wanted and needed me to be. Some of that is perceived internally, and some of it is very real. Society doesn’t always want our essential self to show up, but our socialized self instead. It wants us to behave. The last couple years though has been an invitation for me to misbehave.

We heard the John Lewis quote many times this year after his death, “Never, ever be afraid to make some noise and get in good trouble, necessary trouble.”

I loved reading that in the context of the fight against racial injustice but I also loved it in the context of my own personal struggle. I wanted to misbehave in good and necessary ways.

So what does misbehavior look like during a year where there are more rules? And what does it look like when my career is to be a “professional Christian” or a model of morality and wisdom? I’m still figuring that out, but here are some of the ways it has looked for me so far:
-Spending money on myself that I wouldn’t normally
-Dropping bad systems of belief that have been attached to Christianity but are not of the Kingdom of God
-Standing up for myself, even in messy ways, because I stayed quiet a little too long
-Making audacious asks of people I hardly know and people who I dearly love because you never know unless you try
-Shooting my romantic shot with awesome guys, at risk of being let down (which so far has been my only experience)
-Speaking truth on social media even though I know there will be lash back and that people will accuse me of being arrogant
-Saying yes to investing in my goals and learning new skills that won’t necessarily make me any money

I’ve been learning that the life God has put on my heart and the person he made me to be are what I want for myself- not a cheap version of it! 2020 has afforded me a new freedom of breaking old patterns and paving a new path forward. I will never be the same again because of this year.

I’ve seen God provide for me time and time again- he has given me hope, patience, trust, joy, peace, and strength for it all! He continues to give to me, even when I struggle to believe he will come through. What a God! It’s wild that he cares about me this much. That he does this much for me.

I’m so thankful for everything that he’s brought me through so far. 2020 feels like a year of unanswered prayers for a lot of us, namely, please will you let coronavirus go away? And it hasn’t yet. We are waiting for relief. We are waiting for the bad news to be over. And I’ve had so much experience in that. I know what waiting for the good news to come feels like. I know what a perpetual state of loneliness, pain, and depression feels like. I know what failure after perceived failure feels like too. 2020 was really a doozy, but nothing God hadn’t prepared me for.

I’m so grateful for all the things God taught me about my humanity this year. We are so human. We are weak and soft and imperfect. We fail and cry and go through long seasons of doubt and grief. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. We are also stronger than we know. That’s just the truth. We can climb higher, go farther, and withstand more pain than we know. We are resilient. We wouldn’t be human if we weren’t. The Creator loves us this way. 50/50. So capable and yet so limited.

Even our days are limited, friends. Don’t waste them trying to live beyond your capacity. Instead, embrace who you truly are, where you’re at. Press in when necessary and take as many breaks as you need. Learn to know the difference!

I said a year ago that I wanted to return to God’s BG. And wow, I really have. And I don’t even think it was my doing. I think God let me know that he was going to do that. His plan was always the same for us. He knew how 2020 would turn out. He knows how 2021 will be. His plan is the same no matter what.

And his good news is still good. I’m so glad that he is what we are waiting for, and he promises that he will come! He did once, and in a BIG way! No matter how much bad news there is, the best news remains the same- we are loved by the One Who Made Us and we have access to that Creator!

Amen and amen and thank you Lord!