Growing up, did you ever know that person? You know, the one who was always dating? Always infatuated and in love? They had a knack for getting in relationships, never lasting very long as a single person? One of my middle school friends was always in love. She would write the initials of her current boy’s name on her hand, in a heart, convinced in her 14 year old soul that they would marry. Those relationships never lasted more than three months, but on she went, into another with openness and hope. Again and again.

I used to tell myself that those people hated being alone, that they couldn’t stand it. Once they got a taste of romance, they vowed to never go back. Love addicts. It used to really bother me for a lot of reasons. One was probably jealousy. Another was because I assumed that they weren’t comfortable with themselves apart from a romantic partner and that made me sad. I also thought that they were wasting their time on temporary relationships. Maybe those things were true. Maybe they were coping with loneliness and self-hatred by constantly being in relationships. But honestly, I don’t know that I’m very different at my core.

It just looked different for me.

I used to joke that because I was an extravert, I couldn’t spend more than a couple hours of uninterrupted time alone. It wasn’t really a laughing matter, and it wasn’t because I am an extravert. In reality, after a couple hours alone with my thoughts and internal life, shame crept in. The big lies I always struggled with became HUGE! SHOUTS!
Bridget, you’re not enough. In any way, shape, or form. Do better. Be better.
Bridget, you’re not happy. This isn’t the life you want. Run away.
Bridget, you’re ugly. You’re a messed up, broken hypocrite. You don’t deserve people’s trust or love.

So I started to neglect alone time. Instead of letting myself get bored and turn inward, or create space for intentional reflection, I looked for distraction. I didn’t even need a boyfriend to distract me. Endless streaming and limitless newsfeeds helped me hide from my fear of being alone with myself. Keeping myself busy with purpose-filled work drowned out the lies. I did whatever I could to fill that empty space because why would I want to be alone with the mess of my soul?

Recently, my best friend Katie experienced a sensory deprivation pool for the first time. If you haven’t heard of these, they are pools or tanks where you submerge your nude self in body temperature water and float in the complete dark silence for more than an hour. Katie told me that she was warned before going in that she would have muscle spasms throughout, as her body adjusts to relaxing, and that’s exactly what happened. Instead of feeling like a fetus back in the womb, it really stressed Katie out. She said that right when she got to the point where she was almost fully relaxed, her body would spasm once again, ruining any kind of calm.

I think that’s what spiritual solitude can be like for me. When I stop long enough to be alone and quiet my life, I start to spiral. Shame spasms. Why would I want to return to that if it just causes me more stress? I would be better off ignoring it.

Eventually though, in my ignorance, I began to see that my emotional and mental health were failing. The lies felt like truth and it was showing in all areas of my life. I was flirting with depression and anxiety. So much of my value and identity was wrapped up in my external world. If any of the patterns I had depended on failed me, I would be devastated.

Thank God for wonderful leadership in my life. My supervisors continually encouraged me to enter into that lonely place. To wrestle my demons and feel through all my feelings. I had gotten so out of touch with my inner life that I thought I wasn’t allowed to feel how I truly felt or want what I truly wanted. How screwed up is that?

When I finally forced myself to be alone, you know who was there? Jesus. My man. My main dude. And you know what’s beautiful about letting yourself be alone with Jesus? That’s where grace floods in.
Bridget, you are exactly enough. You are created in my image with beauty and authority and power.
Bridget, you can rest in my love- a firm foundation that won’t crumble when things get rough.
Bridget, I have real life for you. Will you say yes?

Alone with God is where we can come broken, with questions and hurt. It’s safe there. We can be who we are at the moment- bruised, sinful, angry, ugly. And God’s love is there. His love covers all the wrong of the lies and sin of your past. His presence is healing. It’s the only place we are whole. Being alone with God is returning to where you belong.

I believe that you were thought of, loved, and valued before you were any mass of cells. I also believe that there was a period of time in your fleshly existence where you were alone with God. It was just you and him. Your home was in your mother’s womb, but she did not yet know that you were a reality. God was so excited for who you would become, how you would reflect his glory, and all the things you would experience. Even though he gives us the choice to follow him or not in life, we all have this moment of holy aloneness with God, where we are loved as uterine blobs who offer nothing to him, yet have a future and a hope.

And truly, that sentiment never goes away with God. But the aloneness does. Eventually, your mother finds out about you. And you become a part of a family, a culture, a community, and the world. You are given a name, influenced by your environment and you’re taught very specific things about how the world works. You are influenced and shaped by people, experiences, and your choices. This is life. Your moment of utter aloneness with God is gone.

But then, at the end of your life, you leave your physical body. And only you alone can do that. This is another moment of holy aloneness. Will you have another moment alone with God?

What happens between these two holy moments is so important.

Will we continue to practice holy aloneness with God so that we can return to who we really are and to where we really belong?

I think when we start to do that, we can be comfortable whether we are single or in a relationship. We all cope with our longings differently, but one thing we all need to tap into is that holy aloneness- where you are loved just as you are, by God, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. If you wait there long enough, the lies will fade away and you will begin to recognize yourself the way God sees you. I think it’s only then and there that we can love ourselves purely and authentically- with God’s love washing over us.

And ultimately, that holy place of aloneness is not lonely at all! So don’t be afraid- go ahead and try it, right now!

If this is your first read of my Singleness series, you can go back to the first post right here: Singleness Part One: The Mothership.

Part Three Here.

Part Five: Radical Frienship coming soon!