Let’s get this out of the way.

Singleness can suck.

Today I was working on another post about a concept I call “Holy Aloneness” but I felt like I should stop and talk about the unholy aloneness I’ve been feeling lately.

This post isn’t for everyone. And it isn’t meant to be a pretty neat story wrapped in a bow. It’s just the real stuff. The suffering of singleness.

Last night I took myself on a date. I threw on some cute heels, went to dinner with my friends, then took myself shopping and to see the new Spiderman. Once I left my friends at the restaurant, I couldn’t help but FEEL my singleness. I noticed every time a man stared at me strutting around in my flowery heels. I didn’t feel unsafe, but I definitely felt like I stood out. I could FEEL how empty my hand was- oh to just be held, attached to another person! It felt weird to get up in the middle of the movie but have to take my purse with me because there was no one to watch it while I went to the bathroom. Walking to my car alone, driving home alone, debriefing the movie with myself. Not getting to share my joy, my laughter, my experiences with someone close. I just felt more single last night.

And I wasn’t sad. I just felt needy. And I’m not good at my own needs. I usually shame them and ignore them, but last night I just felt them. I longed for all those nice things. I dreamt of getting to share those tender moments with someone who is for me, specifically.

Most of my time is spent just being single, not feeling it. But, there are a lot of little moments where I feel so single. Those moments feel lonely and awkward and needy. Then there are entire seasons where I hate being single. I feel like a victim of a society that values coupled folks more than us solitary ones. A society that tells me I’m not worth loving romantically if I don’t look a certain way or have a specific set of traits to offer.

In my discomfort, it’s really easy for people to tell me that “singleness is a gift,” and that I “still have time” since I’m still in my twenties. But everything can be interpreted as a gift and I will have time as long as the Lord allows! These are not helpful encouragements in singleness because most of the people in my life have never experienced being a 29 year old virgin woman.

Yeah, I’m even a virgin! I know. The pain! The suffering! The agony. Kidding aside, abstaining from sex is a difficult task for young unmarried people. I haven’t had many close encounters with sex, but trust me, it’s still hard to sit in the sexual tension of wanting + abstaining! And married people will say, “sex isn’t everything! marriage isn’t everything!”

I know.

I don’t think romantic love, or sex, or marriage are the mothership. But all those things are good and beautiful and a lot of people get to experience those things daily. A lot of people get to experience their needs being met in a life partner.

Someone buys you flowers. Someone takes you to urgent care. Someone lets you vent to them every night during a hard season of life. Someone gives you a back massage. Someone lets you be super messed up and doesn’t leave but helps you be better. Someone holds your hand or puts their arm around you everyday. Someone makes you coffee in the morning. Or fills your tank with gas. Or tells you that you look awesome. Prays for you when you’re sad. Listens to you. Gives you a different perspective. Or brings your favorite drink home. Brags about you to your friends. And someone lets you love them and influence them. Someone lets you into all their hopes and dreams and failures. Someone to do your budget with. Someone to keep you accountable. Someone to give you practice at leadership and compromise.

It is painful to feel “without” those things. It’s a type of suffering to be the main person in charge of every single need and desire of my life. Some people are way more independent than me. It’s a constant muscle that I’m growing to adapt to the ever changing landscape of my support system. And as a person whose life is primarily focused on others, it’s lonely to come home to myself.

Look, I have amazing friends and roommates. But we aren’t talking about that right now. I’m talking about the pain. Besides, my people aren’t committed to me in the same way a partner would/should be. I argue with myself all the time whether or not I should expect them to be more committed to me because I do feel committed to them. But in a lot of ways, they are not obligated to me. They owe me nothing. Plus, it’s hard to ask and ask and ask people who aren’t right there in your everyday to help with everyday level stuff.

So if you’re reading this as a single person and you relate… hey. I feel you. The rest of my blog posts are going to be about great answers to this suffering. And I’m using the word suffering on purpose because anyone who feels loneliness knows how similar it feels to suffering. If you’re a coupled person reading this, go kiss your partner for being a blessing and then kiss them again for me, and then text your single friend to have them over for dinner. If you’re reading this and you’re in a relationship that doesn’t feel like a partnership and you’re feeling the longing right along with me, I’m sorry. You deserve better.

Part One Here

Part Three Here– The Celebration of Singleness