I’ve been really stewing in a rolling existential anger lately. Here are some things I’ve been angry about.

 

I’m angry that I live in the “most powerful” country but it doesn’t use its power for good, but just for more power. The oppressed are kept oppressed.

I’m angry that even when people try and fight the powers that be, they are often blocked from standing up for what is right.

I’m angry that people think I can’t be angry at the same time that good things are happening. As if the human experience is that simple. I can be glad about one thing and angry about another at the same time.

I’m angry that people here count goodness like it’s what keeps up alive. If you are not harming anyone or you do one act of kindness, you are some kind of saint. Bologna. Anyone can do those things. Try loving your enemy!

I’m angry that we settle for SO MUCH LESS than what our true humanity is supposed to be.

I’m angry that the world LIES to each other and itself all the time!

I’m angry that people pat themselves on the back for loving in broken ways, as if it is heroic to love at all.

I’m angry that people are merciless with one another when they disagree.

I’m angry that the world’s justice is so broken, and yet people believe in it so deeply. (Whatever version of justice you agree with!) It’s not worth believing in.

I’m angry that evil wants to destroy everything and we often let it!

I’m angry that some people reading this might wish that I never wrote it- that they expect more of me, to be quiet, and deal with my emotions alone, and only offer my best self, my happiest self.

I’m angry that people worship happiness. I’m angry about how short-sighted that is. “Happiness” is not a choice that some people are given when they are born into this world. Human purpose is not happiness.

I’m angry that we care more about money and comfort and success and satisfaction than each other.

I’m angry that people claim to follow Jesus and parade it like their own badge of holiness and STILL worship idols and STILL lack mercy and humility. It’s insulting to my God.

I’m angry that we don’t believe that Jesus is enough. I understand how that can seem crazy or impossible. But you gotta know the guy! The God! He is so opposite of all these things that make me angry. He is justice, and peace beyond circumstance, and joy unceasing, he is unity and life and breath and all the love. He is truth and satisfaction and the healer!

And really, I’m just deeply sorrowful. Anger is just a secondary emotion to all the sadness, rejection, and hurt I feel about this stuff. I’m not looking for comfort from any person. We need to sit in lament over things that don’t make sense, things that are wrong and disgusting and terrible. We should be angry about some things. But we also need to know that there’s a God we can sit in that with. There’s a Father who we can say “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS DAD?!” He will do it! He will come and rescue. (And in a HUGE way he already has!)

Advent is about waiting for him to do something about all this mess. So here I sit. Waiting.