As a missionary, I think it’s really important to be supremely honest.

With my supporters. With my friends. With my family. With my students. With strangers.

So my current confession is that I am struggling. A friend recently asked how I was and I answered,
“Externally, I really like my life. Internally, I kind of hate myself right now.”

While I do have a good sense of humor about it, I’m really trying to wriggle my way out of this one because it’s eating me alive! For the last few years, I think God has invited me into learning about myself and what He has for me moving on with that knowledge.

I’ve learned that I’ve always struggled with trying to be good enough, which means I try out of my own strength and forget Him a lot.

I’ve learned that I’m pretty entitled, which has made me kind of demanding with God, and very bratty to Him.

I’ve learned that I am His Child, and He chose me so sovereignly when I was very young. Actually, He still chooses me everyday.

I’ve learned that God has a better plan than me.

I’ve learned that He doesn’t count my sins against me, so why should I count them against myself?

I’ve learned that I am small, and this world and life is broken, messed up, and complicated. But my God isn’t!

And I’m still in process of all these things. I’m still figuring out how to remain in Jesus’ love and not wander other places. I’m confessing and crying and calling out to God to prune the YUCK in me so that I can make more disciples and bear more fruit in my life. I’m trying to SHUT UP ALREADY and let God just hold me in the silence and speak when I will listen.

And slowly but surely I’m getting these little glimpses of reality. I’m feeling some of my child like qualities reemerge. I’m getting tastes of joy and freedom like I haven’t felt in a while. I listened to a deeply romantic song the other day and my heart ached for my deeply romantic God. I keep praying, “God, revive me again.”

It’s a funny place to be in, this age, with this experience I’ve been given, because trying to resolve some of the shallower issues in my life- like sleeping and eating habits- is harder than it was a couple years ago. On the days I feel like a total failure and I am completely blind to God’s grace and love, I have a hard time getting out of bed, or making healthy choices. I think terrible thoughts like, “what’s the point if I’m going to fail anyway?”

And at the same time, God reveals Himself to me so sweetly and gently. He reminds me of how He’s my Dad and that it’s His job to take care of me.

So basically, I’m a mess right now. There’s my honesty. To be a mess and a minister of the Gospel (which we all are, by the way) is just life! All the things I’m learning make me a more relatable young person. Humbly confessing my short comings will build trust with my peers and students. Letting you all know that I need prayer, love, and laughter will be soothing for my soul.

Right now, I’m just trying to get on the same page as God.

Pray that God’s strength comes for me swiftly, and that I live out of the power of the Spirit instead of the weakness of my weary soul and 5’2″ frame.